Homecomings

"I’ve been a walking heartache

I’ve made a mess of me

The person that I’ve been lately

Ain’t who I wanna be..."

I went home this weekend.  Home to my home on the farm, home to UNI, and home to people who have changed my life in the last 5 years.

Although it was a fun weekend, going home is not always easy.  Going home makes you face the person you were and the person you've become.  It puts those faces at odds with one another and gives you perspective on who you really are in the moment.

Reflecting on my homecomings this afternoon on my way 'home' to my apartment left me with a bit of a heartache and that nervous, scared feeling you get when you finally admit that you have no idea where you are - you're lost.

I'm a little lost right now.

And I'm not thrilled with who I am.

That feeling on its own is a new one to me and has certainly increased the 'lost' nerves.  Growing up I was always so sure of myself - secure in who I was, what I did, and where I was going.  Optimistic about life and trusting people to do the right thing.  Now, I'm realizing that although I (usually) know where I am in the moment, I don't know where I'm headed or who I might be heading there with.

Yet, I know I'm not alone.  I've got some great supports - I just need to lean into them in these moments of weakness.

"God gave me you for the ups and downs,

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I lost my way..."