Linds had her surgery today and got through it well - I am so proud of the strength she has already shown and the attitude she has toward everything right now. She is such a fighter and is already teaching so many lessons just by the way she has handled each new curve. Just wishing she was at the end of this journey instead of beginning it.
I don't think the situation really hit me until I saw Linds after her surgery. This isn't just some small thing that is now fixed and everything will get back to normal now. This is a battle. I think my head knew that from the beginning, but my heart wasn't willing to accept that until today.
A friend asked earlier how I was holding up and I had to stop and think. I'm not the one who had surgery today, who is facing continued medical treatment, whose life has been turned completely upside down for a second time in her young life. I'm not the one who is watching his new wife in pain tonight, who will be taking care of her when she comes home, and fulfilling duties he never expected to fill. I'm not the one who's little girl had a 6 hour surgery today or who's older sister is now the one that needs help.
So in perspective, I should be holding up just fine. There are so many others right next to me that have every reason to be upset, sad, frustrated, confused, worried, scared...hopeful. Knowing the pain of others, how could I feel anything but compassion or portray anything but stability and courage for them in their hour of need?
Admitting that I'm struggling with this situation myself feels selfish considering all I am blessed with. I've been trying so hard to be calm and supportive on the outside and feel guilty admitting that I'm kind of a mess behind that facade. That doesn't feel right. It feels like I'm failing, as if having my own fears about the situation will add to the pain others are feeling instead of helping to ease it.
On the bright side, no matter what my worries are, I am seeing in a whole new light exactly how wonderful of a support system I have become a part of that is now lifting Lindsey up. I have a family and friends with hearts larger than I could ever hope to have. Who truly understand the meaning of giving of oneself and do so cheerfully. I have so much yet to learn to truly give love as unselfishly and unconciously as they each naturally do. I am so thankful to have them as teachers and appreciate beyond measure how effortlessly they step in to ease the suffering of others with words and actions. I only pray that one day I will have developed the ability to do the same for them in return.
"When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small."
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